And so this is Christmas...

And what have you done?

There is much to discuss, and I think this time I'm actually going to go through with it.

Violence. We have become desensitized to it *tips hat to the media*, but when we actually see it, it's still shocking. It was two days after the world seemed to gather itself together and think about peace as a viable option. Because of a freaking holiday that doesn't even belong in December. If we put it where it belonged, then June would be the month.

Anyway, I know the Israelis and the Palestines don't celebrate Christmas. Obviously. But really? Does this kind of horrible stuff have to keep happening? It seems like the Israelis are a bunch of whiny teenagers rebelling against their parents for trivial reasons. Because that's what it is. I'm not saying religion isn't important, but I swear I've never seen anything in any version of the Bible that talks about violence as a solution. To anything. Even the self-mutilation and flagellation that used to occur so prominently in the Church. I mean, geez, hundreds of years of persecution and blood have been shed over this book. It's a book! Anyway.....it's incredibly depressing. Haven't people figured out there are easier ways of resolving problems?

It's unbelievably distressing to live in this world today. I am so ashamed to be a part of the ME generation. It makes me so angry. But then I think....I DO have my own laptop. and an iPod. and a cell phone.

But I have books, and I love them to death. Thank God for other people's words and stories. Thank God for tactility!! Sometimes I have to wonder if things are real or if we are truly just connected through fiber optics. What's so bad about sending someone a letter? Hand-written? Ten years ago that was how it went! And what happened to sitting around and shooting the shit with your family and friends? What happened to campfires and geezus, what happened to childhood? Why am I the last generation to have non-battery operated toys growing up? That's terrible!! And why is it alienating when a child doesn't have television or fancy toys? Why are books looked upon with disdain? And why do we always look forward? There's nothing wrong with looking backward, listening to stories of those who know of past and pain. If I could, I would do nothing but listen all the time. I'd be a full-time listener of people's stories, lives, music, legacies, and wonder how I can do the same thing. I always gaze in wonder at the generation that is dying right now: People 100 years old. Can you imagine all the change they have seen? It must have been incredible, two depressions, foreign wars and all their effects, assassinations, honest people, hostage crises, and then the smack of the technological revolution. Hits them in the last years of life.

Everyone is selfish now. Nobody does favors anymore-you gotta expect something in return.

Nobody gets the value of just sitting around and talking. And listening. We are taught that death is a part of life but too many people take life for granted. I won't have it.

Sigh. Disillusioned. I often wish I had been born at a different time in history, but I can't go wishing for something that abstract. I have to deal in the present and think about how to make it better.

Life could be different in 1 year.

I am quitting everything I know to be true - school - and concentrating on becoming a good player. No. A Great Player.

I am shedding the layers that keep me back, or make me who I am, and I will build myself a new shell.

That is all.

I had a nightmare last night that i was being stalked.....by a vacuum cleaner.

Wow!!!!!!!

I forgot what kind of things make me happy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_CWM3EFCFc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FN6hGuUvsM&feature=related

My Body, Myself

Watching all these medical drama whatever shows (Scrubs, House, Grey's Anatomy) really makes me thankful for my own health. I mean they really make it seem like everyone's going to drop dead of life-threatening illnesses, and thank God that isn't the truth. Woohoo!

BY the way...are people this unable to keep it in their pants in real life? CHRIST, no wonder people are getting all pregnant and STD-ish all the time. They get all horny watching Patrick Dempsey nail Meredith what's-her-face...haha. right. Anyway.

Peace out.

I just had a sleepless night, for no apparent reason to me, except perhaps that I was trying to go to bed 12 hours after I woke up. Even so.....dayum.

Gonna need coffee.

Come lovely and soothing death

Come lovely and soothing death,
Undulate round the world, serenely arriving, arriving,
In the day, in the night, to all, to each,
Sooner or later, delicate death.

Prais'd be the fathomless universe,
For life and joy, and for objects and knowledge curious;
And for love, sweet love - But praise! praise! praise!
For the sure-enwinding arms of cool-enfolding Death.

Dark Mother, always gliding near, with soft feet,
Have none chanted for thee a chant of fullest welcome?

Then I chant it for thee - I glorify thee above all;
I bring thee a song that when thou must indeed come, come unfalteringly.

Approach, strong Deliveress!
When it is so - when thou hast taken them, I joyously sing the dead, 
Lost in the loving, floating ocean of thee,
Laved in the flood of thy bliss, O Death.

From me to thee glad serenades,
Dances for thee I propose, saluting thee - adornments and feastings for thee;
And the sights of the open landscape, and the high-spread sky, are fitting,
And life and the fields, and the huge and thoughtful night.

The night, in silence, under many a star;
The ocean shore, and the husky whispering wave, whose voice I know; 
And the soul turning to thee, O vast and well-veil'd Death,
And the body gratefully nestling close to thee.

Over the tree-tops I float thee a song!
Over the rising and sinking waves - over the myriad fields, and the prairies wide;
Over the dense-pack'd cities all, and the teeming wharves and ways, 
I float this carol with joy, with joy to thee, O Death!

-Walt Whitman

I love Saint-Saens' Violin Concerto No. 3...holy god the end of the second movement is gorgeous

I finally found out what the words mean.

Je m'baladais sur l'avenue le coeur ouvert à l'inconnu
J'avais envie de dire bonjour à n'importe qui
N'importe qui et ce fut toi, je t'ai dit n'importe quoi
Il suffisait de te parler, pour t'apprivoiser

Aux Champs-Elysées, aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil, sous la pluie, à midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout ce que vous voulez aux Champs-Elysées

Tu m'as dit "J'ai rendez-vous dans un sous-sol avec des fous
Qui vivent la guitare à la main, du soir au matin"
Alors je t'ai accompagnée, on a chanté, on a dansé
Et l'on n'a même pas pensé à s'embrasser

Hier soir deux inconnus et ce matin sur l'avenue
Deux amoureux tout étourdis par la longue nuit
Et de l'Étoile à la Concorde, un orchestre à mille cordes
Tous les oiseaux du point du jour chantent l'amour

a meaningful conversation....just to say I told you so someday.

me: you know....i've been wondering for years now when we will undergo a social reform
hmmm
and it seems as though it's on our doorstep
like prohibition

rob: YEAH
i was wondering that too

me: we got upset about all our travesties and such

rob: i think you are right
its like ready to errupt
i totally agree
exactly

Michelle, ma belle

Wow.

I finally watched Michelle's speech from the other night (I fell asleep the first time around). It was very moving. I don't think I've ever actually sat through an entire political speech. I tried watching the last State of the Union Address last year. God, that was awful.

Michelle is so graceful, and eloquent...it's true that behind every great man, there is a great woman. If you read his book, you'll know what I mean. It's amazing that someone has finally stepped forward to say "I have faith in this country and I am proud of what we can do." I have never felt so incredibly inspired by anyone....any normal person.

Go on.....watch it again.

http://www.barackobama.com/tv/

Celebrate normalcy and values!!!!!!!!

and delicious burritos!

I know everything sucks, yeah

First....I am at Fresh Side and BOY is it delicious. This is my Pad Thai!

Hello world!

So I drove into my supervisor today while he was on his run (not quite literally...I was driving, he was running...you understand.) and we got talking, as two people are completely apt to do. I told him I have already started student teaching although, yes, I know my contract doesn't start until next week. It's completely fine, as long as I don't slip up, because I am not covered by any insurance with the university and only I am liable. Oh dear. I mean, it's fine because I'm not doing any teaching this week so I technically can't do anything wrong.

But here's the sticker: I feel as though I am doing everything wrong lately. That's bolded for a reason! It goes beyond my normal insecurities....I don't think getting up at 4:30 AM to go for a run is the right thing to do. I don't know if what I feel inside of me is right, and I don't know who to ask for the answer. Plus, I don't think I'll like the answer. Because I know the answer. I fear for my future regrets, and I fear tomorrow. I fear the answer, and I fear the mere thought of contemplating the answer. I hate doing it, and so much of me knows what I must do. It really feels like the whole world is against me for a reason I still cannot seem to fathom. Karma, schmarma. I just want my fucking life back.

In other news, HAPPY DNC WEEK everybody!!! It's going to be a great few days!

More pictures...because I am too tired to write.

this is our fabulous quintet at the HIGHLAND SLEEPOVER.....or one of them anyway...




a baby newt, also known as a Red Eft! Saw on a hike with Dustin. Delightful!

















Candid shot of one of our coachingzzzzz












Equinox pond with Dustin.
















Dude jumping from quarry!

Pictures!

My bed. Large and in charge.

...A sign....it must mean something...

Rachel, my lovely cello roommate! I don't know who the person is though.

God's Fish

An 80's party already? Well, yeah...

Me, fwoosh!

a country road in the country

Ben juggles. Wow!


Ben and I climbed a mountain. 3 miles and 3 hours later, we made it to the top! Boo to cardiovascular health.

This is our house!

Manchester England, England...

I guess I am truly a social creature, whether I like it or not.

My roommates are cool, my wind quintet is cool, I still hate practicing, I am lonely, I am lonely, I am lonely.

and I still don't know what to say.

< / sad > please?

Where does the good go?

I always try this thing where I make some intelligent topic or quote or something to head the post. But I really can't. Mostly because I never have anything coherent to say, and then when it comes out it's all wrong and just not what I meant to say in the first place.

Ring around the truth, pocket full of ... fooooth

Why am I so unmotivated to do the right thing? It's right!

I can't say what is right, because it feels wrong. Damn.

What a paradox.

There should be a limit on the amount of emotions a human can experience in one day.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.

I forgot how awesome this movie is.

I am watching it....right....now.

Huzzah!

Pet Sounds....not bad at all.

Sunday, 12:10 AM.

Attempt #....what is this now, 15?

While everyone else (that I respect) out there is doing what the world needs, I lay on my bed in darkness and attempt to muster up a sentence that sums up my life. And I feel selfish.

I feel selfish and selfless and abandoned and loved and hate myself for feeling so much when there are other things I could be throwing my brain into. Yeah I just ended a sentence on a preposition, what of it!?!?!

There are not enough words to describe what I am feeling, so I am going for blank. I feel a lot like Locke's Tabula Rasa, a slate wiped clean of all emotions.

Godawful things happen every day. And for some reason, it's okay! How is it okay for someone to get raped? get cancer? get shot for being the wrong color in the wrong place?

So what does it matter if I have "personal issues" and that I "don't have a purpose" and I'm not actually in the sanest of minds right now? I think it makes me whiny. But no...I guess I should be sane when teaching, playing....but in the meantime, I'm going to dig deeper.

See you on the other side.


Maybe?


P.S. I am reading lately to shake whatever this phase is. Lots of it is pleasure, teaching, or both...and I am reading a lot about racism in this country. It's terrible, and this presidential race should be interesting. I count every single one of my stars to be lucky that I don't live in certain parts of this country. Awful. I highly recommend The Freedom Writers Diary if you are into this as much as I am.

Listening to: Mother We Just Can't Get Enough by the New Radicals

AH

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!

And it smells like a skunk in my room. My room isn't big enough for a skunk!

Crap!!

Sleepy...

I think everything happens when you least expect it. I was just having this conversation with my roommate...when you're not trying, when you're not looking for anything, when life is quiet and everything is okay...that's when everything will turn around.

Agh, God....listen to me. Rambling about absolutely nothing of interest. I guess I was just trying to make a point through some useless advice regarding apathy. But it's more than that. You do have to care. You have to care so much about everything around you...but then it leads to worrying and depression about just everything, you know??

Don't worry.

I'm going to bed.

In the now

Whenever terrible things, everyone should take a walk and watch Mary Poppins. Yes. That should do the trick. Supercalifragilicioucexpealidocious means "Atoning for educatability through delicate beauty"...which is accoridng to Wikipedia, so it may have no practical application then! It does recall good things, though. I swear Bert and Mary were having an illegitimate relationship. You know, if the fifties hadn't been so racist I would have loved to grow up then. Optimism was so ridiculously....THERE.

Oh My God. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory! Hooray!

Oh sorry, I've had a few ounces of wine too many. And not a dinner in sight!

Anyway...back to the last few years.

I'm not sure what happened to make me stop giving shits about life. It's not that I don't care and don't try and keep up with what is going on. With all the terrible things happening it's fairly essential to watch the news and be curious...though I'll admit it's not my favorite job as a citizen. Anyway, I suppose it was just that which made me stop caring. The fact that such horrible things are happening hardens us (and myself included) against life. Certainly it still breaks my heart to see the most awful things happen and the biased crap that goes through the media....

Right...well, it's impossible to live in a perfect world. That's okay. We've seen how that works. Communism is so good on paper.

Crap! I forgot what I was thinking about.

What do you think about the state of the world?

strangely addicting...

http://www.gamerevolution.com/goodie/flash_games/reaction_effect

I've got a lot to say with no time to say it. All my energies must go towards this other project I'm doing. Peace out!

What?

So. I've never imagined myself doing any of this, mostly because a few years ago I decided that ideas were for people that want headaches. I still believe it's true, but it's also a fact that I shouldn't run from, but rather embrace instead.

I often find myself in a spiral of depression when I start thinking about things, so I instead enjoy turning to mild, idle conversation that can result in a multitude of "lol"s and "hahaha"s. I don't think that's wrong....optimism is one of many things this world needs. And a facelift. And a good bath with little rubber ducky toys. And a mommy. (like in Hook!)

Hopefully this is the start of something a little more fascinating than what I call life. It gets pretty flippin dull after a few years of the same old things.